The Inner Slut

There seems to be a pattern emerging here. I've met two dickheads who are such handsome guys, Chris and, recently, Patrick, yet they're such terrible fucks.

Patrick

Patrick's a pilot for a charter company. He's 32, Filipino, married with two kids. He says his wife had an affair with a lesbian. I don't blame her. Although Patrick's very handsome, very virile, very sweet and charming, very touchy-feely, bottomline, he's simply not a good fuck. And the lesbian must've made the wife reach orgasmic peaks like she's never had before. Poor woman.

Funny, really. Dale tells me that he was taught by a lesbian on how to please a woman using tongue, mouth and fingers. Makes sense, as only a woman can truly know how a woman should be pleasured.

Interestingly, though, I'd like to have Patrick as my own. I keep entertaining the possibility of starting something serious and long term with him. He is so handsome. And very sensual. Of course, I had sex with him only once. I was probably too tentative for him, as he did say he liked spontaneity. Gad, I like this guy! After having tea, we went back to my office to get the car. This was at 8:30 pm, and the office was deserted. I had picked up my stuff and was heading for the door when he turned off the lights and locked the door.

He wasn't lewd or groping. I enjoyed it very much. We didn't fuck, of course, just kissed and petted. He bent me over my desk and put his hand under my skirt. Good thing I shaved that morning. The first thing he did was to reach for my breasts. He opened my blouse and just sucked on my nipples. Dale loves my breasts, too. So does Francis. So did Chris. I guess I just have great tits and legs.

Too bad Pat's such a bad fuck as he's got a really nice cock: long and thick. Felt really good in my mouth, hot and hard. I could just suck on that cock for hours on end. Poor Francis, as his is thin, although it could get rock hard. Unfortunately, Pat never got to round 2 but my Francis did. And both just had to stop me from sucking on their dick, otherwise, they'd have just come right in my mouth.

Pat's eyes are big and round, soulful and emotive. Very rare for a guy. And his body's round and long. Great to hug and cuddle with. And he's very expressive of his pleasure. Not scared to moan and groan at all. I would just love to be with him again.

Francis

I did say I finally decided to love this guy. He's no dickhead, this one. He wants a long term, meaningful affair. As I said, he's got a thin dick, although not very short, that could get really hard, but not for a long time. But he did go on to the second round. I know I love him but for what reason, it's not clear yet. Perhaps it's just because of this painful need to love and he was there in the right place at the right time.

Do I want this at all? I want to at least find out where it's going. I think it'l be worth the ride.

I was describing Francis the last time. I saw him off last night, off to the province for a court hearing. We had half an hour together. We just sat in the car telling jokes. He grabbed my hand several times to kiss it. He cupped my chin in his hand several times, telling me how pretty I was. He kissed me several times like he would his daughter.

From this email message he sent me, you can see what kind of person this guy is:

everdearest ___,

i been wanting to be with you, be close to you, hold you in my arms.

i want to crush you in my embrace, make love to you all day...i want you, oh how i want you. i want to go deep into your soul, and there find solace in your love.

when shall this time come, i want it now and i want it to last forever.

but even if we have not physically connected the emotional intercourse is so much more than i thought it to be. the deep emotional connection is so intense and yes, overwhelming. of course i want a physical, carnal and sexual intercourse but more than that, i want you, more than the body, i want your soul. i want to be part of your deepest yearnings.

let's find time to be together, to make love and to be one. let's make time next week, ok?

(13 november 2003)

He's very sweet and fun to be with. There's innocence in him and sadness that wants to be lifted, to be offered to his god as thanksgiving for being alive and in love. I'm scared of these feelings I have for him. I want to fall but there is this strong feeling in my gut that a lot of pain will result from all this. Warning bells are going off in my head. And yet...I've already decided to love this guy. No matter what the outcome may be, I'm loving this man and enjoying the moments I have had and will have with him. Finally?

I've always said that when the opportunity comes along, I'm going to love without condition, without demands, without expectations. It's finally come. And I'm scared. I don't know what to do and how to go about it. I am overcome by dark forebodings.

I am throwing my caution to the wind. the following is an exerpt from an email message I sent to Francis:

the root of my frustration is that i've opened up myself to pain and love and rejection in the hopes of finally starting to live. so this is life? being rejected and ignored? alone and lonely? not much different from when i didnt have a life.

possible solution: live anyway. love anyway. cry in the confines of my room. affirm my feelings. never deny my feelings. accept my reality. talk to francis. share with francis my joys and sorrows, my failures and triumphs. share with him my everyday.

live, anyway. and love, if only to affirm that i am not a rock and i am not an island. if only to let people know that i, too, can choose to love and not to love. to turn the tables on the world.

my life is not out of control. i am in control.

The reference to the rock and the island is based on the garfunkel song. I'm not familiar with it but Francis says it's his song. He sent me a copy of the lyrics and I say it's my song, too. We have a lot to talk about and share with each other. We're from different worlds which makes the experience all the more rich and exciting. I can't wait to start loving him.

Funny, that. How do you start loving a man? When you can't live with him and do all the wifely things women are supposed to do. Obviously, I can't love him like a wife. So I'm supposed to love him like a friend. I love my best friend, TC, who is a guy, but I don't have sex with him. That makes it a different friendship, then. This friendship with Francis is in a different dimension. I wouldn't say level because I don't love the one more than the other. These are two very different loves. Interesting. More to ponder on.

Chris

I met him last Monday morning. He had actually contacted me through a personals site months ago. We were able to talk on the phone for a few minutes and that was it. Then two weeks ago, he sent me another email and followed through. We talked on the phone again, this time for a much longer time. He's 36, Swiss, married to a Filipina, has two kids with her. He says their marriage is working out fine except that he feels the need for something new in his sex life.

He is such a good looking man, with a nice firm round body. He has an adorable tummy and fantastic long legs that really look good in trousers. He is a well built and handsome man. Too bad he's not too good in bed.

His cock is curved very nicely for doggie-style sex, uncircumscised and can get really hard. He liked the way I sucked on his cock, and groaned and cried out all the time he was in my mouth, and that was a long time. Which wasn't a good idea, really, because he came too soon after he started fucking me from behind. When I cried out to him that I wanted him to make it hurt, he obliged by fucking me deeper, faster and harder. After four thrusts that really felt good, he came. And I was just starting to feel excited. Oh, well. He tried to make me cum with his fingers but he was no Dale. I came a bit. That was okay.

But he just looks so good. Looks. Interesting that I want to see him again because of his good looks. I sent him email, thus:

my dear chris,

lest you misunderstand, allow me to explain. i am not disappointed in
you, nor in our time together earlier today. i just had so many things i
wanted to tell you but couldn't because you were so visibly uncomfortable
during the "transition period." i desisted from voicing out my feelings
because i didn't want to add to your discomfort.

but this first: i am a very expressive person, in that i need to say
what i think and feel in appreciation of you and the time that you've given
me. of course, i'd like to think that you've given me even just a little
bit of yourself, but i don't want to be presumptuous.

this is my true self, and since i make it a point to remain true to
myself, i am sending you these thoughts. besides, it makes me unhappy not to
express myself, especially with people who i have a real fondness for.

secondly: just because i share these thoughts and feelings with you
doesn't mean that i am going beyond the parameters i have set with you
and for myself. the boundaries remain, and i respect them. again, and this
cannot be emphasized often enough, i expect nothing from you except
the most common of courtesies and respect due every person we meet. that
is all.

finally: i enjoyed myself very much with you. i like your openness
and your appetite for pleasure. (read: you are such a horny bastard!) i
appreciate very much the fact that you are not afraid to show your
pleasure and enjoyment. i liked that very much, indeed. i also find you very
attractive. i like the way your body is round and firm, and there is
so much to hug. if we had a little more time, i would have liked very
much to kiss you all over and give you little bites on the shoulders and arms
and the inside of your thighs, but i suppose that wouldn't do at all as
the marks would show. i very much like the fact that you are so clean. i
would have licked your ass as well. and your legs! i like them very much.
they are long and strong, and well-formed. they and your ass look good in
trousers. I'd love to see them in tight jeans. what? men aren't the
only ones who know how to appreciate the human body for its own sake.

but the best part for me was the connection we made which was beyond
the physical. again, this does not translate into any demand or
expectation. i am simply stating a fact. nothing more. should we not meet further, i
would remember my time with you with a deep fondness. you are a very
beautiful man.

i wish you long life and the truest of loves.

I had actually brought up with him this uncomfortable time during the transition period. I just had to because as he was putting on his clothes, he was so affected by the whole thing that he couldn't even look at me. He's such a sweet guy. He's not in the habit of meeting other women, that's readily apparent. He replied with the following email:

Hi ___ !

thanks for your mail - really appreciate what you wrote. I am glad you had a good time, so did I, I really enjoyed our intimate encounter (unfortunately too short...)

... even though I don't know whether I should take as a compliment that I am a horny bastard...(just kidding).

I appreciate that you accept and respect the rules we mutually set for our encounter.

Appart from having had really pleasurable sex with you I also enjoyed the non sexual part of your company - you are a very intelligent, outspoken and critical Lady (which is a rare species in the Philippines..)

My hunger for sex with a "new partner" has been satisfied for the time being but I believe within the next weeks it might build up again and I would be happy if we could meet again in the future.

Let's keep in touch and chat once in a while...

Thank you for the good time!

Take care

Chris

I am actually looking forward to seeing him again. He is such a great guy, even though he does suck as a lover. Interesting.

I met with Dale the other night. He had just come back from New York on business and brought me back a gift for my birthday, a gold tricolor anklet -- from Macy's. Very sweet. He is such a skillful partner. Again, no fucking, just fingers. And again, I squirted cum through his fingers like I was a damn fountain. I must have cum more than six times like that. It felt really good.

I was apprehensive at first, thinking that the first time was a fluke, like what happened with Charles. More on that later. Anyway, my fears were dispelled from the moment Dale started to work his magic. It was amazing.

I learned a new thing that time: my legs are very sensitive. It was such an electrifying sensation, being licked from the tips of my toes up to my inner thighs and up my tummy. He told me firmly not to move a muscle as he applied his tongue and his mouth on my calves and thighs and when I did, he spanked me firmly. He bit into the flesh at the sides of my feet, my ankles, the back of my knees, my knees, the inside of my thighs. And I couldn't move a muscle as he firmly held me down and growled whenever I twitched. It was simply torture. I didn't just moan and groan; I cried out for him to stop. Of course, he didn't.

The backside of my legs are more sensitive, although the front side is also sensitive, with the left leg more sensitive than the right. Amazing.

Here's his sweet email to me the day after.

Hi Baby,

I just wanted to let you know what a wonderful time I
had last night, everytime I see you I get so turned on
and love the way we connect.

I understand you were apprehensive about the second
meeting as our first meeting was so electric but I
hope after last night you will have no reservations
about future meetings.

What I find is the most amazing thing is that we were
both tired but once we get together there is an energy
that comes with the joining of two people and all the
tiredness disappears.

When I was driving home I felt as you did, I was
actually invigorated and energized by our meeting.

I look forward to our next eventful time together in
the near future.

Kisses

Dale

PS. I didn't receive your E mail please resend it to
me as I don't like to miss any contact with you.

I see this going somewhere. It will probably go on for some time. It might even go beyond a simple arrangement with a dickhead. This could develop into a friendship even. I hope so.

Francis

I got this email from a personals site. It was very well written and formal, very courteous. he turned out to be a young lawyer, 33, married, three kids. He's Filipino. He was in the seminary for four years. That's where he took up his college degree in Philosophy. He's very sensitive, very bright, very horny. He's also a head shorter than me, although he is stocky.

(To be continued! I'm very tired...)

It's my birthday today. Forty years old and with nothing to show for it. SMS birthday greetings have been coming in steadily. Nice to know that there are people out there who think of me. Even Art sent me an SMS, at a little past 12 midnight last night. That was very sweet.

And Renaud even sent me a greeting. Followed by Mara's. Now it's confirmed: Mara's seeing Renaud exclusively. I don't know if this is mutual but in all likelihood, it's not. I didn't acknowledge Renaud's message. It made me cry a little, that he should send me a greeting. Mostly because it made me remember and I got all confused. What was surprising was that I wanted to turn to Mau and pour out my heart to him. But of course, he wasn't there. Nelson? He's leaving for Cebu on Friday on business and I wouldn't want to bother him with anything right now.

There I go again. Keeping things bottled up inside me. I could always talk to my good friend, JA, but I don't think she'd understand. I'm just too self-involved. But I don't want to ignore my feelings either. I have to affirm myself, and if all the emotions I feel are plain anger and frustration, then so be it. That's my reality. I'm a lonely and angry person. That's my truth.

What a depressing day.

I am an idiot. After further exchange of emails with Mau, I have lost all contact with him. After I surrendered myself to him, he has failed to reply to my messages -- thru email, thru messenger, thru SMS. I think it's because I informed him that my friend, Tess, was no longer interested in seeing men other than her current interest and thus, dashed his hopes of having a threesome upon the rocks of the sea of Ignorance. So. That, as they say, is it.

So now Mau has the url to this blog. Should I delete this blog and start another? Maybe I should just start another and let this one remain as a monument to my idiocy. Then again, maybe I should just let things remain as they are and to hell if he should peek in once in a while and see how things are going in the world of idiots. I did learn some things from him, though. Very valuable things about myself.

And what amazes me is that I can't seem to keep men like Alex/Felix and Mau. There is a pattern here. I should not trust men with whom I fall to pieces. This seems to be an indication of deceit. How, I don't yet understand.

And yet, there is this strange feeling at the back of my mind, at the pit bottom of my gut, that Mau will contact me one of these days. The feeling is not borne of hope, nor of dreams. It's a premonition. I know. He gave me something very strange and planted it deeply in me. I can actually feel it growing stronger everyday, this awareness. It's strange because I can feel him around me all the time, as if watching and feeling, connecting. And there is no sexuality in it. Just plain awareness. He was right when he said that we connected. Just how deeply I'm not sure if he knows. He probably does, he just doesn't see it as significant. It is to me. It is a constant awareness.

His presence was painful, during that time we were together. For a brief moment, I knew what it felt like to share a moment with someone, completely and intensely, without having to resort to sex. If only for that, I owe Mau my gratitude.

Nelson

October 31, Friday, was declared a holiday, to allow people to go home to the province for All Saints' Day. So it was a three-day weekend. Nelson phoned me on Thursday to let me know he would be spending the weekend with his girlfriend in some resort in Laguna. I felt a pain go through my heart. Not because I was jealous, but because of the absence of such an event in my life. More and more, I look at this relationship with Nelson with misgiving. It is a relationship that allows for each party to go his or her own way and yet, I ache inside that it is not more than that.

Art asked me if Nelson and I were falling in love with each other. I don't think it's that. No, it's not that at all. But it does make me feel better to remember what Nelson said, not just a couple of times: he wished that he had met me four years ago, before he met his present girlfriend. I don't think it's because he loves or cares for me more than the other woman, but because he doesn't like the idea of being tied down to her. With me, he'd be free of any responsibility, free from commitment to one woman, free to see all the women he wants to be with. But it still is comforting, even if only to a small extent.

Charles

Saturday evening, I met with Charles, a Yank from LA, 49, divorced, just arrived in Manila as an IT manager for a large multinational company. He has a tummy and very long legs. Quite a man. He's very sweet and very clean. Although he smokes, he doesn't smell like it and his teeth are clean and not stained at all. He shaves his head and sports a white goatee, along with a gold earring in one ear. Interesting.

He professed to have some experience in D/s and bondage but would not call himself a master. That didn't matter at all since he made me squirt cum three times as he fucked me from behind. He didn't have a massive cock, his being smaller than Nelson's but it was curved in such a way that I felt its head along every inch of my pussy. And it was just a small head. He spanked me well, too, not tentatively, not lightly, but with just enough force to sting. He was very effectively in control, firm yet gentle, creating a precarious balance between pain and pleasure.

I was surprised at the ease with which I opened up to him. Perhaps it's because I'm more experienced now, and know what to expect and what to look out for. I now know how to carry myself through preliminaries and the transition to and from a scene or encounter. i have more confidence in myself and am, thus, more effective in phrasing my questions and statements.

Charles says he's looking for someone to share fun times with, not necessarily sexual all the time, although he's not looking for anything serious or long term. He admits to the possibility of seeing other women but confesses he wouldn't have much time to actively look for them. I didn't unequivocally state that I would be seeing other men but I would expect him to realize that I would despite the fact that I'm seeing him.

He's very sweet and very clean. I cannot emphasize that often enough. So clean that I licked his dick and sucked on it without any fear. And when he pushed his cock up my pussy, I didn't hesitate. I was very comfortable with him. I sucked on his earlobes and his nipples, surrounding these with kissmarks. He loved that. I let my tongue travel downwards, from his chest to his tummy, dragging my breasts down. And when they touched his dick, I rubbed the head all over my nipples. It felt so good, the hardness of his cock contrasting with the softness of my breasts. He groaned and moaned softly. That was good; it felt so good to hear the pleasure escaping from his mouth.

When I pulled myself up to kiss his mouth, he pulled my hips downwards and entered me. I protested weakly but he felt so good in me, his hands firmly pushing me down, that I just gave up and gave in. It was when he started fucking me doggy style that I surrendered myself totally to him. I coaxed him on, telling him how good it felt. But what was surprising was when I asked him to punish me for being a bad girl. That did it for him. And for me. I started quirting cum. After the third time, he said he was cumming and asked me if I wanted it in me. I groaned out a yes, and asked him to make me his, and told him I wanted all his cum in me. And I did, too. He came, and came again, and again, and again. He banged and banged his dick up my pussy and I just came and came. It was fantastic.

My pussy is sore and bleeding from his hard fucking and I'm supposed to see Nelson on Wednesday. Oh, well. If Nelson notices, I can always say that I cut myself shaving.