Wednesday, November 19, 2003
Relationships 2
I was describing Francis the last time. I saw him off last night, off to the province for a court hearing. We had half an hour together. We just sat in the car telling jokes. He grabbed my hand several times to kiss it. He cupped my chin in his hand several times, telling me how pretty I was. He kissed me several times like he would his daughter.
From this email message he sent me, you can see what kind of person this guy is:
everdearest ___,
i been wanting to be with you, be close to you, hold you in my arms.
i want to crush you in my embrace, make love to you all day...i want you, oh how i want you. i want to go deep into your soul, and there find solace in your love.
when shall this time come, i want it now and i want it to last forever.
but even if we have not physically connected the emotional intercourse is so much more than i thought it to be. the deep emotional connection is so intense and yes, overwhelming. of course i want a physical, carnal and sexual intercourse but more than that, i want you, more than the body, i want your soul. i want to be part of your deepest yearnings.
let's find time to be together, to make love and to be one. let's make time next week, ok?
(13 november 2003)
He's very sweet and fun to be with. There's innocence in him and sadness that wants to be lifted, to be offered to his god as thanksgiving for being alive and in love. I'm scared of these feelings I have for him. I want to fall but there is this strong feeling in my gut that a lot of pain will result from all this. Warning bells are going off in my head. And yet...I've already decided to love this guy. No matter what the outcome may be, I'm loving this man and enjoying the moments I have had and will have with him. Finally?
I've always said that when the opportunity comes along, I'm going to love without condition, without demands, without expectations. It's finally come. And I'm scared. I don't know what to do and how to go about it. I am overcome by dark forebodings.
I am throwing my caution to the wind. the following is an exerpt from an email message I sent to Francis:
the root of my frustration is that i've opened up myself to pain and love and rejection in the hopes of finally starting to live. so this is life? being rejected and ignored? alone and lonely? not much different from when i didnt have a life.
possible solution: live anyway. love anyway. cry in the confines of my room. affirm my feelings. never deny my feelings. accept my reality. talk to francis. share with francis my joys and sorrows, my failures and triumphs. share with him my everyday.
live, anyway. and love, if only to affirm that i am not a rock and i am not an island. if only to let people know that i, too, can choose to love and not to love. to turn the tables on the world.
my life is not out of control. i am in control.
The reference to the rock and the island is based on the garfunkel song. I'm not familiar with it but Francis says it's his song. He sent me a copy of the lyrics and I say it's my song, too. We have a lot to talk about and share with each other. We're from different worlds which makes the experience all the more rich and exciting. I can't wait to start loving him.
Funny, that. How do you start loving a man? When you can't live with him and do all the wifely things women are supposed to do. Obviously, I can't love him like a wife. So I'm supposed to love him like a friend. I love my best friend, TC, who is a guy, but I don't have sex with him. That makes it a different friendship, then. This friendship with Francis is in a different dimension. I wouldn't say level because I don't love the one more than the other. These are two very different loves. Interesting. More to ponder on.
Chris
I met him last Monday morning. He had actually contacted me through a personals site months ago. We were able to talk on the phone for a few minutes and that was it. Then two weeks ago, he sent me another email and followed through. We talked on the phone again, this time for a much longer time. He's 36, Swiss, married to a Filipina, has two kids with her. He says their marriage is working out fine except that he feels the need for something new in his sex life.
He is such a good looking man, with a nice firm round body. He has an adorable tummy and fantastic long legs that really look good in trousers. He is a well built and handsome man. Too bad he's not too good in bed.
His cock is curved very nicely for doggie-style sex, uncircumscised and can get really hard. He liked the way I sucked on his cock, and groaned and cried out all the time he was in my mouth, and that was a long time. Which wasn't a good idea, really, because he came too soon after he started fucking me from behind. When I cried out to him that I wanted him to make it hurt, he obliged by fucking me deeper, faster and harder. After four thrusts that really felt good, he came. And I was just starting to feel excited. Oh, well. He tried to make me cum with his fingers but he was no Dale. I came a bit. That was okay.
But he just looks so good. Looks. Interesting that I want to see him again because of his good looks. I sent him email, thus:
my dear chris,
lest you misunderstand, allow me to explain. i am not disappointed in
you, nor in our time together earlier today. i just had so many things i
wanted to tell you but couldn't because you were so visibly uncomfortable
during the "transition period." i desisted from voicing out my feelings
because i didn't want to add to your discomfort.
but this first: i am a very expressive person, in that i need to say
what i think and feel in appreciation of you and the time that you've given
me. of course, i'd like to think that you've given me even just a little
bit of yourself, but i don't want to be presumptuous.
this is my true self, and since i make it a point to remain true to
myself, i am sending you these thoughts. besides, it makes me unhappy not to
express myself, especially with people who i have a real fondness for.
secondly: just because i share these thoughts and feelings with you
doesn't mean that i am going beyond the parameters i have set with you
and for myself. the boundaries remain, and i respect them. again, and this
cannot be emphasized often enough, i expect nothing from you except
the most common of courtesies and respect due every person we meet. that
is all.
finally: i enjoyed myself very much with you. i like your openness
and your appetite for pleasure. (read: you are such a horny bastard!) i
appreciate very much the fact that you are not afraid to show your
pleasure and enjoyment. i liked that very much, indeed. i also find you very
attractive. i like the way your body is round and firm, and there is
so much to hug. if we had a little more time, i would have liked very
much to kiss you all over and give you little bites on the shoulders and arms
and the inside of your thighs, but i suppose that wouldn't do at all as
the marks would show. i very much like the fact that you are so clean. i
would have licked your ass as well. and your legs! i like them very much.
they are long and strong, and well-formed. they and your ass look good in
trousers. I'd love to see them in tight jeans. what? men aren't the
only ones who know how to appreciate the human body for its own sake.
but the best part for me was the connection we made which was beyond
the physical. again, this does not translate into any demand or
expectation. i am simply stating a fact. nothing more. should we not meet further, i
would remember my time with you with a deep fondness. you are a very
beautiful man.
i wish you long life and the truest of loves.
I had actually brought up with him this uncomfortable time during the transition period. I just had to because as he was putting on his clothes, he was so affected by the whole thing that he couldn't even look at me. He's such a sweet guy. He's not in the habit of meeting other women, that's readily apparent. He replied with the following email:
Hi ___ !
thanks for your mail - really appreciate what you wrote. I am glad you had a good time, so did I, I really enjoyed our intimate encounter (unfortunately too short...)
... even though I don't know whether I should take as a compliment that I am a horny bastard...(just kidding).
I appreciate that you accept and respect the rules we mutually set for our encounter.
Appart from having had really pleasurable sex with you I also enjoyed the non sexual part of your company - you are a very intelligent, outspoken and critical Lady (which is a rare species in the Philippines..)
My hunger for sex with a "new partner" has been satisfied for the time being but I believe within the next weeks it might build up again and I would be happy if we could meet again in the future.
Let's keep in touch and chat once in a while...
Thank you for the good time!
Take care
Chris
I am actually looking forward to seeing him again. He is such a great guy, even though he does suck as a lover. Interesting.
From this email message he sent me, you can see what kind of person this guy is:
everdearest ___,
i been wanting to be with you, be close to you, hold you in my arms.
i want to crush you in my embrace, make love to you all day...i want you, oh how i want you. i want to go deep into your soul, and there find solace in your love.
when shall this time come, i want it now and i want it to last forever.
but even if we have not physically connected the emotional intercourse is so much more than i thought it to be. the deep emotional connection is so intense and yes, overwhelming. of course i want a physical, carnal and sexual intercourse but more than that, i want you, more than the body, i want your soul. i want to be part of your deepest yearnings.
let's find time to be together, to make love and to be one. let's make time next week, ok?
(13 november 2003)
He's very sweet and fun to be with. There's innocence in him and sadness that wants to be lifted, to be offered to his god as thanksgiving for being alive and in love. I'm scared of these feelings I have for him. I want to fall but there is this strong feeling in my gut that a lot of pain will result from all this. Warning bells are going off in my head. And yet...I've already decided to love this guy. No matter what the outcome may be, I'm loving this man and enjoying the moments I have had and will have with him. Finally?
I've always said that when the opportunity comes along, I'm going to love without condition, without demands, without expectations. It's finally come. And I'm scared. I don't know what to do and how to go about it. I am overcome by dark forebodings.
I am throwing my caution to the wind. the following is an exerpt from an email message I sent to Francis:
the root of my frustration is that i've opened up myself to pain and love and rejection in the hopes of finally starting to live. so this is life? being rejected and ignored? alone and lonely? not much different from when i didnt have a life.
possible solution: live anyway. love anyway. cry in the confines of my room. affirm my feelings. never deny my feelings. accept my reality. talk to francis. share with francis my joys and sorrows, my failures and triumphs. share with him my everyday.
live, anyway. and love, if only to affirm that i am not a rock and i am not an island. if only to let people know that i, too, can choose to love and not to love. to turn the tables on the world.
my life is not out of control. i am in control.
The reference to the rock and the island is based on the garfunkel song. I'm not familiar with it but Francis says it's his song. He sent me a copy of the lyrics and I say it's my song, too. We have a lot to talk about and share with each other. We're from different worlds which makes the experience all the more rich and exciting. I can't wait to start loving him.
Funny, that. How do you start loving a man? When you can't live with him and do all the wifely things women are supposed to do. Obviously, I can't love him like a wife. So I'm supposed to love him like a friend. I love my best friend, TC, who is a guy, but I don't have sex with him. That makes it a different friendship, then. This friendship with Francis is in a different dimension. I wouldn't say level because I don't love the one more than the other. These are two very different loves. Interesting. More to ponder on.
Chris
I met him last Monday morning. He had actually contacted me through a personals site months ago. We were able to talk on the phone for a few minutes and that was it. Then two weeks ago, he sent me another email and followed through. We talked on the phone again, this time for a much longer time. He's 36, Swiss, married to a Filipina, has two kids with her. He says their marriage is working out fine except that he feels the need for something new in his sex life.
He is such a good looking man, with a nice firm round body. He has an adorable tummy and fantastic long legs that really look good in trousers. He is a well built and handsome man. Too bad he's not too good in bed.
His cock is curved very nicely for doggie-style sex, uncircumscised and can get really hard. He liked the way I sucked on his cock, and groaned and cried out all the time he was in my mouth, and that was a long time. Which wasn't a good idea, really, because he came too soon after he started fucking me from behind. When I cried out to him that I wanted him to make it hurt, he obliged by fucking me deeper, faster and harder. After four thrusts that really felt good, he came. And I was just starting to feel excited. Oh, well. He tried to make me cum with his fingers but he was no Dale. I came a bit. That was okay.
But he just looks so good. Looks. Interesting that I want to see him again because of his good looks. I sent him email, thus:
my dear chris,
lest you misunderstand, allow me to explain. i am not disappointed in
you, nor in our time together earlier today. i just had so many things i
wanted to tell you but couldn't because you were so visibly uncomfortable
during the "transition period." i desisted from voicing out my feelings
because i didn't want to add to your discomfort.
but this first: i am a very expressive person, in that i need to say
what i think and feel in appreciation of you and the time that you've given
me. of course, i'd like to think that you've given me even just a little
bit of yourself, but i don't want to be presumptuous.
this is my true self, and since i make it a point to remain true to
myself, i am sending you these thoughts. besides, it makes me unhappy not to
express myself, especially with people who i have a real fondness for.
secondly: just because i share these thoughts and feelings with you
doesn't mean that i am going beyond the parameters i have set with you
and for myself. the boundaries remain, and i respect them. again, and this
cannot be emphasized often enough, i expect nothing from you except
the most common of courtesies and respect due every person we meet. that
is all.
finally: i enjoyed myself very much with you. i like your openness
and your appetite for pleasure. (read: you are such a horny bastard!) i
appreciate very much the fact that you are not afraid to show your
pleasure and enjoyment. i liked that very much, indeed. i also find you very
attractive. i like the way your body is round and firm, and there is
so much to hug. if we had a little more time, i would have liked very
much to kiss you all over and give you little bites on the shoulders and arms
and the inside of your thighs, but i suppose that wouldn't do at all as
the marks would show. i very much like the fact that you are so clean. i
would have licked your ass as well. and your legs! i like them very much.
they are long and strong, and well-formed. they and your ass look good in
trousers. I'd love to see them in tight jeans. what? men aren't the
only ones who know how to appreciate the human body for its own sake.
but the best part for me was the connection we made which was beyond
the physical. again, this does not translate into any demand or
expectation. i am simply stating a fact. nothing more. should we not meet further, i
would remember my time with you with a deep fondness. you are a very
beautiful man.
i wish you long life and the truest of loves.
I had actually brought up with him this uncomfortable time during the transition period. I just had to because as he was putting on his clothes, he was so affected by the whole thing that he couldn't even look at me. He's such a sweet guy. He's not in the habit of meeting other women, that's readily apparent. He replied with the following email:
Hi ___ !
thanks for your mail - really appreciate what you wrote. I am glad you had a good time, so did I, I really enjoyed our intimate encounter (unfortunately too short...)
... even though I don't know whether I should take as a compliment that I am a horny bastard...(just kidding).
I appreciate that you accept and respect the rules we mutually set for our encounter.
Appart from having had really pleasurable sex with you I also enjoyed the non sexual part of your company - you are a very intelligent, outspoken and critical Lady (which is a rare species in the Philippines..)
My hunger for sex with a "new partner" has been satisfied for the time being but I believe within the next weeks it might build up again and I would be happy if we could meet again in the future.
Let's keep in touch and chat once in a while...
Thank you for the good time!
Take care
Chris
I am actually looking forward to seeing him again. He is such a great guy, even though he does suck as a lover. Interesting.
