Monday, November 03, 2003
There is no dying...
I am an idiot. After further exchange of emails with Mau, I have lost all contact with him. After I surrendered myself to him, he has failed to reply to my messages -- thru email, thru messenger, thru SMS. I think it's because I informed him that my friend, Tess, was no longer interested in seeing men other than her current interest and thus, dashed his hopes of having a threesome upon the rocks of the sea of Ignorance. So. That, as they say, is it.
So now Mau has the url to this blog. Should I delete this blog and start another? Maybe I should just start another and let this one remain as a monument to my idiocy. Then again, maybe I should just let things remain as they are and to hell if he should peek in once in a while and see how things are going in the world of idiots. I did learn some things from him, though. Very valuable things about myself.
And what amazes me is that I can't seem to keep men like Alex/Felix and Mau. There is a pattern here. I should not trust men with whom I fall to pieces. This seems to be an indication of deceit. How, I don't yet understand.
And yet, there is this strange feeling at the back of my mind, at the pit bottom of my gut, that Mau will contact me one of these days. The feeling is not borne of hope, nor of dreams. It's a premonition. I know. He gave me something very strange and planted it deeply in me. I can actually feel it growing stronger everyday, this awareness. It's strange because I can feel him around me all the time, as if watching and feeling, connecting. And there is no sexuality in it. Just plain awareness. He was right when he said that we connected. Just how deeply I'm not sure if he knows. He probably does, he just doesn't see it as significant. It is to me. It is a constant awareness.
His presence was painful, during that time we were together. For a brief moment, I knew what it felt like to share a moment with someone, completely and intensely, without having to resort to sex. If only for that, I owe Mau my gratitude.
Nelson
October 31, Friday, was declared a holiday, to allow people to go home to the province for All Saints' Day. So it was a three-day weekend. Nelson phoned me on Thursday to let me know he would be spending the weekend with his girlfriend in some resort in Laguna. I felt a pain go through my heart. Not because I was jealous, but because of the absence of such an event in my life. More and more, I look at this relationship with Nelson with misgiving. It is a relationship that allows for each party to go his or her own way and yet, I ache inside that it is not more than that.
Art asked me if Nelson and I were falling in love with each other. I don't think it's that. No, it's not that at all. But it does make me feel better to remember what Nelson said, not just a couple of times: he wished that he had met me four years ago, before he met his present girlfriend. I don't think it's because he loves or cares for me more than the other woman, but because he doesn't like the idea of being tied down to her. With me, he'd be free of any responsibility, free from commitment to one woman, free to see all the women he wants to be with. But it still is comforting, even if only to a small extent.
Charles
Saturday evening, I met with Charles, a Yank from LA, 49, divorced, just arrived in Manila as an IT manager for a large multinational company. He has a tummy and very long legs. Quite a man. He's very sweet and very clean. Although he smokes, he doesn't smell like it and his teeth are clean and not stained at all. He shaves his head and sports a white goatee, along with a gold earring in one ear. Interesting.
He professed to have some experience in D/s and bondage but would not call himself a master. That didn't matter at all since he made me squirt cum three times as he fucked me from behind. He didn't have a massive cock, his being smaller than Nelson's but it was curved in such a way that I felt its head along every inch of my pussy. And it was just a small head. He spanked me well, too, not tentatively, not lightly, but with just enough force to sting. He was very effectively in control, firm yet gentle, creating a precarious balance between pain and pleasure.
I was surprised at the ease with which I opened up to him. Perhaps it's because I'm more experienced now, and know what to expect and what to look out for. I now know how to carry myself through preliminaries and the transition to and from a scene or encounter. i have more confidence in myself and am, thus, more effective in phrasing my questions and statements.
Charles says he's looking for someone to share fun times with, not necessarily sexual all the time, although he's not looking for anything serious or long term. He admits to the possibility of seeing other women but confesses he wouldn't have much time to actively look for them. I didn't unequivocally state that I would be seeing other men but I would expect him to realize that I would despite the fact that I'm seeing him.
He's very sweet and very clean. I cannot emphasize that often enough. So clean that I licked his dick and sucked on it without any fear. And when he pushed his cock up my pussy, I didn't hesitate. I was very comfortable with him. I sucked on his earlobes and his nipples, surrounding these with kissmarks. He loved that. I let my tongue travel downwards, from his chest to his tummy, dragging my breasts down. And when they touched his dick, I rubbed the head all over my nipples. It felt so good, the hardness of his cock contrasting with the softness of my breasts. He groaned and moaned softly. That was good; it felt so good to hear the pleasure escaping from his mouth.
When I pulled myself up to kiss his mouth, he pulled my hips downwards and entered me. I protested weakly but he felt so good in me, his hands firmly pushing me down, that I just gave up and gave in. It was when he started fucking me doggy style that I surrendered myself totally to him. I coaxed him on, telling him how good it felt. But what was surprising was when I asked him to punish me for being a bad girl. That did it for him. And for me. I started quirting cum. After the third time, he said he was cumming and asked me if I wanted it in me. I groaned out a yes, and asked him to make me his, and told him I wanted all his cum in me. And I did, too. He came, and came again, and again, and again. He banged and banged his dick up my pussy and I just came and came. It was fantastic.
My pussy is sore and bleeding from his hard fucking and I'm supposed to see Nelson on Wednesday. Oh, well. If Nelson notices, I can always say that I cut myself shaving.
So now Mau has the url to this blog. Should I delete this blog and start another? Maybe I should just start another and let this one remain as a monument to my idiocy. Then again, maybe I should just let things remain as they are and to hell if he should peek in once in a while and see how things are going in the world of idiots. I did learn some things from him, though. Very valuable things about myself.
And what amazes me is that I can't seem to keep men like Alex/Felix and Mau. There is a pattern here. I should not trust men with whom I fall to pieces. This seems to be an indication of deceit. How, I don't yet understand.
And yet, there is this strange feeling at the back of my mind, at the pit bottom of my gut, that Mau will contact me one of these days. The feeling is not borne of hope, nor of dreams. It's a premonition. I know. He gave me something very strange and planted it deeply in me. I can actually feel it growing stronger everyday, this awareness. It's strange because I can feel him around me all the time, as if watching and feeling, connecting. And there is no sexuality in it. Just plain awareness. He was right when he said that we connected. Just how deeply I'm not sure if he knows. He probably does, he just doesn't see it as significant. It is to me. It is a constant awareness.
His presence was painful, during that time we were together. For a brief moment, I knew what it felt like to share a moment with someone, completely and intensely, without having to resort to sex. If only for that, I owe Mau my gratitude.
Nelson
October 31, Friday, was declared a holiday, to allow people to go home to the province for All Saints' Day. So it was a three-day weekend. Nelson phoned me on Thursday to let me know he would be spending the weekend with his girlfriend in some resort in Laguna. I felt a pain go through my heart. Not because I was jealous, but because of the absence of such an event in my life. More and more, I look at this relationship with Nelson with misgiving. It is a relationship that allows for each party to go his or her own way and yet, I ache inside that it is not more than that.
Art asked me if Nelson and I were falling in love with each other. I don't think it's that. No, it's not that at all. But it does make me feel better to remember what Nelson said, not just a couple of times: he wished that he had met me four years ago, before he met his present girlfriend. I don't think it's because he loves or cares for me more than the other woman, but because he doesn't like the idea of being tied down to her. With me, he'd be free of any responsibility, free from commitment to one woman, free to see all the women he wants to be with. But it still is comforting, even if only to a small extent.
Charles
Saturday evening, I met with Charles, a Yank from LA, 49, divorced, just arrived in Manila as an IT manager for a large multinational company. He has a tummy and very long legs. Quite a man. He's very sweet and very clean. Although he smokes, he doesn't smell like it and his teeth are clean and not stained at all. He shaves his head and sports a white goatee, along with a gold earring in one ear. Interesting.
He professed to have some experience in D/s and bondage but would not call himself a master. That didn't matter at all since he made me squirt cum three times as he fucked me from behind. He didn't have a massive cock, his being smaller than Nelson's but it was curved in such a way that I felt its head along every inch of my pussy. And it was just a small head. He spanked me well, too, not tentatively, not lightly, but with just enough force to sting. He was very effectively in control, firm yet gentle, creating a precarious balance between pain and pleasure.
I was surprised at the ease with which I opened up to him. Perhaps it's because I'm more experienced now, and know what to expect and what to look out for. I now know how to carry myself through preliminaries and the transition to and from a scene or encounter. i have more confidence in myself and am, thus, more effective in phrasing my questions and statements.
Charles says he's looking for someone to share fun times with, not necessarily sexual all the time, although he's not looking for anything serious or long term. He admits to the possibility of seeing other women but confesses he wouldn't have much time to actively look for them. I didn't unequivocally state that I would be seeing other men but I would expect him to realize that I would despite the fact that I'm seeing him.
He's very sweet and very clean. I cannot emphasize that often enough. So clean that I licked his dick and sucked on it without any fear. And when he pushed his cock up my pussy, I didn't hesitate. I was very comfortable with him. I sucked on his earlobes and his nipples, surrounding these with kissmarks. He loved that. I let my tongue travel downwards, from his chest to his tummy, dragging my breasts down. And when they touched his dick, I rubbed the head all over my nipples. It felt so good, the hardness of his cock contrasting with the softness of my breasts. He groaned and moaned softly. That was good; it felt so good to hear the pleasure escaping from his mouth.
When I pulled myself up to kiss his mouth, he pulled my hips downwards and entered me. I protested weakly but he felt so good in me, his hands firmly pushing me down, that I just gave up and gave in. It was when he started fucking me doggy style that I surrendered myself totally to him. I coaxed him on, telling him how good it felt. But what was surprising was when I asked him to punish me for being a bad girl. That did it for him. And for me. I started quirting cum. After the third time, he said he was cumming and asked me if I wanted it in me. I groaned out a yes, and asked him to make me his, and told him I wanted all his cum in me. And I did, too. He came, and came again, and again, and again. He banged and banged his dick up my pussy and I just came and came. It was fantastic.
My pussy is sore and bleeding from his hard fucking and I'm supposed to see Nelson on Wednesday. Oh, well. If Nelson notices, I can always say that I cut myself shaving.
