The Inner Slut

Make your own happiness.

Yes. I have that. Some people would call it counting your blessings. But as I'm agnostic, I don't recognize blessings. I'm happy with family, friends, lovers. Happy with the people who matter. Happy with who and what I am. In fact, I'm so defined as a person that I'm unhappy.

I was just complaining to my Dale about how I wanted to push myself, to just take flight and soar. If only I could just find my niche. I want to do something and excel in it. The Inner Slut's lucky; she gets to do what she's good at. And getting better at it, too.

I've always believed that one should try and be all that one could be. I want to be a wife, and a mother, a lawyer, a writer, a teacher, though not necessarily in that order. I just want to be all that I can be. So many people are so many things in such an enriched life. Me, I'm just drifting along. I have to get control over my life, only I can't seem to find the opportunity. Maybe the opportunities pass me by because I don't know how to recognize them for what they are.

Don't rely on someone.

This is the hard part. I've always craved for appreciation, for recognition. I'm sure I'm not alone in this. But I've taught myself how to distinguish people whose opinions matter from those whose opinions are worth shit. Difficult lesson to learn, but I learned it. Apparently, not too well as yet. I'm working on it.

My entire happiness is not dependent on any one person, and it never will. But there is another thing that I cannot deny, cannot unlearn. And believe me, I tried for years to rid myself of it. I need to love, and be loved. Better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all, said the Immortal Bard. My mantra, whispered to my broken heart now and again. Of course, during Shakespeare's time, mankind had never heard of genetics; otherwise, the Bard, realizing that man's need to and for love is due to deeply ingrained genetic memory, could just as easily have said that you can run, but you can't hide.

I've had enough of running. I choose to be brave and allow my life to be touched by the people I encounter. I choose to experience people, not just meet them. When you open yourself to people, you allow them to bring you joy and light, along with the pain, frustration and disappointment, and the dark.

No, I'm done denying things to my face. I need recognition and appreciation from people who matter to me, and I need to love. At this point, I can have these in a make-believe world, under clear and strictly controlled, well-regulated conditions, even for just a limited time.

All I want is a little piece of your soul. Is that too much to ask? Seriously, I just want to play pretend. Humor me. It'd mean so much.