The Inner Slut

I am an angry person. I look at the skies and am reminded of past Christamases, the joy of family and the holidays, and my anger sits and waits patiently for me to forget. It doesn't take much for me to forget. And when I do, it looms above me and preys on my fears and insecurities. It thrives on them and grows fat on all my obsessions.

My anger is precious to me. How else to explain my reluctance to let it go? I am unhappy and lonely, and look to others to for the solution.

Mau has sent me email. He has read my blog and his honesty hurt. He saw the void in me and my need for "intense tomorrows" which he cannot give me. My anger flared up at this, of course, ignited by my pride. Again, another dickhead who thinks I'm after him for an LTR. I gave him the url to this blog as a sign of submission, an indication of surrender. I surrendered to him my self, the blog as a manifestation of self, a mirror of self, a record of self. To me, a very private person, this surrender is a death toll. If I wanted an LTR, I wouldn't go on personals sites and reply to invitations sent thru these sites. On these sites, I offer myself as a cunt, nothing more, nothing less. And I take them all as dick, nothing more, nothing less.

Now I take a deep breath and review...

I did say in my last post that I was scared of valuing another person more than he would ever value me; that I was scared of being emotionally attached to another who could never be mine.

The fact that I have these fears indicates that I am very much aware of the implications of an arrangement with Mau. It would be one of todays, nothing more, nothing less. These men are so arrogant to think that I am such a fool. I go to pieces under their strength and they see me as an idiot and a fool.

My fear of being used and discarded like a rag is very intimately related to my fear of being alone and unloved. These concepts need to be redefined.

My concept of love is tied up to the traditional concept of exclusivity. This has to be unlearned. I have already rejected exclusivity. My relationship with Nelson is proof enough of this. I have already recognized the fact, the reality, that I can never find everything in one man and one man alone. Hence, the presence of many men in my life.

Yesterday, I had lunch with Art. His desire for me was so strong, I could feel its groping hands all over me all throughout the meal. We walked around the mall for a while and he paid compliments on my feet and breasts. He paid me attention and was sweet and gallant and never condescending. He's good to look at and nice to smell, and he would touch me lightly everywhere. But he doesn't have the maturity of older men, that wisdom and knowing that penetrate my pretentions, no matter how deep and ingrained.

I will not pretend that I don't wish that I had someone like Mau to spend the rest of my life with. Someone strong and of like mind, to lead me on to higher levels of consciousness, to take me wherever he chooses to go. I will not pretend that I don't despair for this. But only because I am afraid of taking myself there, on my own. Only because I am afraid of my own strength that, should it take form and take charge, I shall truly and for all eternity be alone.

There. I've said it and confronted it and admitted it. And I accept it.

Most people will call it fate. I will not. I told Mau during that time we were together that I felt lost, as I could not feel his limits, his boundaries. Lost on the sea of Mau, I said. In retrospect, I was actually lost on my own unchartered seas.

Now, this is an interesting vision. I was very happily lost, blissful in my ignorance of that fact, until I met these men, Alex/Felix and Mau. They were bright stars on the horizon and, my seas being unchartered, I could not identify them and so, I could not tell whether I was headed north, south, east or west. This is the source of confusion for me. To be lost, and be made aware of this fact, is very unnerving.

I am afraid of being solely responsible for myself.

I feel like the Catholic God who came down to earth to escape himself, to throw away his godship and live as a man. He was crucified for that. Lesson learned: you cannot escape who you are. Let this cup pass, Jesus said in the Garden of Gethsemane. It did not. He died and was resurrected. Lesson learned: this, too, shall pass.

There is a void in me only I can fill. I looked to others when I should have looked to myself. So many things to unlearn.

So where does this place me vis-a-vis Mau? I am student. I should sit at his feet and learn from him. He has offered as much.