Tuesday, October 28, 2003
Death and freedom
I finally met Mau last Sunday. Just to meet. He doesn't look anything like his picture that he sent me. He insists he is not a predator but that was exactly how he looked, sitting there across me at the table, sipping his coffee. As I felt his presence grow increasingly stronger, engulfing my own pitiful blind insignificant self, I could feel myself crumble and fall into pieces. It was strange but I actually distanced myself from me, watching everything from a safe place, with interesting results. I put up this wall of silence, and pulled in all my feelers from the outside world. I closed all the doors and windows but he was still inside my head. It hurt. We connected and it hurt.
Not that I didn't want Mau in. To be honest, I was ambiguous about the entire thing. I wanted him in my universe, but was afraid he would find it bare and boring. I was -- am -- afraid that he would find my feelings and thoughts petty and shallow, too self-involved. Yes, once again, I am up against rejection. It's the Alex/Felix experience all over again. With a significant difference.
I fell to pieces with Alex/Felix and grew angry with him. With Mau, I crumbled but didn't fall. It felt like I was suspended in mid-air, waiting to fall. Wanting to fall. I wanted to fall. I just didn't know how. And I was -- am -- scared to fall. Because I knew Mau would catch me should I fall. And that would be something I will never forget all my life.
A beautiful thing happened and I'm scared of it. I am finally confronted with a man who sees me and appreciates me for who I am and I am scared of him. I am assured of protection and tenderness, understanding and patience, and I am scared of the arrangement. I am scared of giving myself totally and being discarded after use. I am scared of being emotionally attached to someone who will never value me as much as I value him.
Be that as it may, I am prepared to meet my fears head on. I've found what I've been seeking all this time, a Dom. And he has succeeded where all the other self-styled Doms have failed: to have me submit. Yes, I've submitted. So this is how it feels. It's like how Kierkegaard described his leap of faith. This is my leap of faith. And if Mau doesn't pick me up from the ground where I feel myself to be, broken in tiny bits and pieces, then that's a risk I just have to face.
So many things have happened in my life so many times, enough to crush me, enough to crush anyone, and yet I'm still here. One more heartbreak won't make much of a difference. It'll hurt like hell, I'm sure it will, but I will survive. I always do. I die, I rise from the ashes, to die again.
As a sign of submission, I volunteered the information that I have this blog, this online journal, to Mau. I sent him the url to this blog. He has not responded yet. It hurts to wait for a response. But he did promise that should he no longer be interested in me, he will let me know. I know he will.
Not that I didn't want Mau in. To be honest, I was ambiguous about the entire thing. I wanted him in my universe, but was afraid he would find it bare and boring. I was -- am -- afraid that he would find my feelings and thoughts petty and shallow, too self-involved. Yes, once again, I am up against rejection. It's the Alex/Felix experience all over again. With a significant difference.
I fell to pieces with Alex/Felix and grew angry with him. With Mau, I crumbled but didn't fall. It felt like I was suspended in mid-air, waiting to fall. Wanting to fall. I wanted to fall. I just didn't know how. And I was -- am -- scared to fall. Because I knew Mau would catch me should I fall. And that would be something I will never forget all my life.
A beautiful thing happened and I'm scared of it. I am finally confronted with a man who sees me and appreciates me for who I am and I am scared of him. I am assured of protection and tenderness, understanding and patience, and I am scared of the arrangement. I am scared of giving myself totally and being discarded after use. I am scared of being emotionally attached to someone who will never value me as much as I value him.
Be that as it may, I am prepared to meet my fears head on. I've found what I've been seeking all this time, a Dom. And he has succeeded where all the other self-styled Doms have failed: to have me submit. Yes, I've submitted. So this is how it feels. It's like how Kierkegaard described his leap of faith. This is my leap of faith. And if Mau doesn't pick me up from the ground where I feel myself to be, broken in tiny bits and pieces, then that's a risk I just have to face.
So many things have happened in my life so many times, enough to crush me, enough to crush anyone, and yet I'm still here. One more heartbreak won't make much of a difference. It'll hurt like hell, I'm sure it will, but I will survive. I always do. I die, I rise from the ashes, to die again.
As a sign of submission, I volunteered the information that I have this blog, this online journal, to Mau. I sent him the url to this blog. He has not responded yet. It hurts to wait for a response. But he did promise that should he no longer be interested in me, he will let me know. I know he will.
