Thursday, August 14, 2003
Grief
Yesterday, I was at a wake. It was my Auntie Jean's wake. She was 62 or so. Not sure. Her family and mine are close friends. I was 11 when I first met her. She was the first adult in my childhood -- the only one, really -- who stopped and listened to me when I had something to say, no matter how trivial or silly, no matter if it were play or for real. I was 11 and she was a gem among adults. She was fun, too. Some 30 years later, standing there, looking at her lying in that coffin, I felt that my childhood had died.
I didn't realize how significant Auntie Jean was until she'd passed away. I never got to tell her how much her listening to me meant. I never got to explore this relationship. The one person who was never condescending, who affirmed me as whoever the hell I was or wanted to be, had passed away. And I would never get to tell her how precious she is to me.
Suddenly, I felt old...and alone.
Like I haven't felt old and alone every single day for the past 10 years. This time was different, though. It felt more immediate, with a lot more urgency to it. I wanted to cry; I wanted to grieve. I wanted to be angry and lash out against the whole world. I wanted to be bitter and vengeful. I just couldn't find anyone to blame.
And then there was Clive. Sweet Irish fella, shy and hesitant. From him, I get to know that Mara has temporarily shut off her profile on our favorite site because of an emotional involvement with this guy. Mara didn't give details. Apparently, she's agreed to see this guy exclusively. My first guess is it's Renaud. It's most probably him.
So, on top of the loss of a remarkable person in my life, there's the envy I feel for the things that Mara has in her life. She's beautiful, bright, witty, a mom to three kids, a professional with a stable, well-paying job. Now, she has a serious relationship going with a guy who's more than sexually satisfying. Love, kids, money, career, sex. None of which I have in my life.
Rejection, rejection....
Like I remarked to Clive, there must be something really wrong with me. Time to face the facts.
Again, I wanted to cry; I wanted to grieve. I wanted to be angry and lash out against the whole world. I wanted to be bitter and vengeful. I just couldn't find anyone to blame.
All bitter and sad, with no one to blame. Pathetic. Time to face the facts: I need help. That's easy enough to accept. What I find difficult to deal with is that there's no one to turn to.
So, I block Renaud from my email account and my instant messenger. I erase all indications that I ever exchanged emails and messages with him. I delete his fone number from my fone book, and his email addresses, from my address books. I'll probably avoid seeing Mara for the next couple of months. I won't be mentioning her again here unless it's really important.
Rejection, rejection....What peace there must be in death....
I didn't realize how significant Auntie Jean was until she'd passed away. I never got to tell her how much her listening to me meant. I never got to explore this relationship. The one person who was never condescending, who affirmed me as whoever the hell I was or wanted to be, had passed away. And I would never get to tell her how precious she is to me.
Suddenly, I felt old...and alone.
Like I haven't felt old and alone every single day for the past 10 years. This time was different, though. It felt more immediate, with a lot more urgency to it. I wanted to cry; I wanted to grieve. I wanted to be angry and lash out against the whole world. I wanted to be bitter and vengeful. I just couldn't find anyone to blame.
And then there was Clive. Sweet Irish fella, shy and hesitant. From him, I get to know that Mara has temporarily shut off her profile on our favorite site because of an emotional involvement with this guy. Mara didn't give details. Apparently, she's agreed to see this guy exclusively. My first guess is it's Renaud. It's most probably him.
So, on top of the loss of a remarkable person in my life, there's the envy I feel for the things that Mara has in her life. She's beautiful, bright, witty, a mom to three kids, a professional with a stable, well-paying job. Now, she has a serious relationship going with a guy who's more than sexually satisfying. Love, kids, money, career, sex. None of which I have in my life.
Rejection, rejection....
Like I remarked to Clive, there must be something really wrong with me. Time to face the facts.
Again, I wanted to cry; I wanted to grieve. I wanted to be angry and lash out against the whole world. I wanted to be bitter and vengeful. I just couldn't find anyone to blame.
All bitter and sad, with no one to blame. Pathetic. Time to face the facts: I need help. That's easy enough to accept. What I find difficult to deal with is that there's no one to turn to.
So, I block Renaud from my email account and my instant messenger. I erase all indications that I ever exchanged emails and messages with him. I delete his fone number from my fone book, and his email addresses, from my address books. I'll probably avoid seeing Mara for the next couple of months. I won't be mentioning her again here unless it's really important.
Rejection, rejection....What peace there must be in death....
