Monday, August 11, 2003
Defining the experience
Terms...
Dickhead This is a guy whose interest in me is primarily sexual. I say primarily because it can't be purely sexual. There has to be chemistry. Most of these men are interested in striking up a friendship with me as well. The sexual "arrangement" is different from the friendship that may be initiated.
Arrangement I'm constrained to use this word to refer to the relationship between myself and a dickhead considering the connotation of the term, relationship. Most dickheads I've met emphasize the fact that they are not looking for a long-term relationship (LTR); hence, the avoidance of the word, relationship. This includes the implied agreement against meeting regularly. Thus, should the parties desire to meet regularly, this should be expressly agreed upon. The presumption, therefore, is that the "arrangement" is open -- as to commitment/exclusivity, as to schedule. So, Alex's and Peter's policy of having their partners call them up for a meeting, or session, becomes clear now. These dickheads avoid giving the impression that they are more than casually interested in their partners.
Casual This should be read vis-a-vis LTR. A casual arrangement does not involve any pre-arranged series of sessions. The rule is against pre-arrangement. There is no such thing as "every Tuesday" or "once a month." Unless, of course, this has been agreed upon. I haven't encountered this at all. Mara has not told me whether she has this arrangement with her dickheads but, given her schedule, I don't think she does. Alex has a loose schedule of seeing a partner once a month or so, depending on his schedule. Peter has sent me email that he wouldn't be seeing me in the next few weeks as his work schedule wouldn't allow it. (This, in response to my offer to be his sub and for me to be bound and gagged by him.)
Activity partner I use this term to refer to myself and to a dickhead. But not all dickheads are activity partners. I guess an activity partner is someone who's more or less a regular dickhead. Moreover, he's someone a cut above the rest, that special dickhead who I'd prefer above everyone else. But he's no LTR, that's for sure. Partner, therefore, would connote someone I get along well with. The issue of compatibility plays a major role here. Mara has her Frenchie, Renaud. Alex did refer to him as Mara's "evolving relationship." A thorny issue from my point of view. Mara has informed me that Renaud has intimated to her that he no longer wanted to see any more of her friends for reasons unknown. This has got me to thinking that, perhaps, Renaud is also wary of my being a single unattached woman. (Yes, I have been with the guy.) My fault, really, as I was teasing him, getting him to think that I was "loyal" to him, not seeing anyone else, blah. This was early on in my slut-discovery and didn't know any better. Like I said, things to learn, things to unlearn.
The Scene This includes the scenario agreed upon or the set of (pretended) circumstances within which the sexual act is carried out, if it's play-rape or just plain vanilla or a combination of both or whatever evolves, which, of course means that there is characterization involved. Even if it's just plain vanilla, there still is characterization. In the latter case, the more accurate term would be "willing suspension of disbelief." The underlying supposition is that there is something more than sex between the parties. At the very least, there is regard and respect for each other. That is why I never get to be treated as someone who's been paid for her services like a prostitute. The arrangement to have sex is consensual and not commercial. (It is in respect, I think, that the awkwardness in the transition scene to the ending is rooted.)
...and Conditions
Rule number one: This is NOT a long-term relationship.
Rule number two: DON'T EVER FORGET that this is NOT a long-term relationship.
These are the two basic conditions. The other rules are: consensuality of the arrangement, trust in the other, respect for each other. The coverage is broad. It's really up to the parties to work out the details. In my case, most of the details are unstated, except for the very basic like I emphasize that I'm not into pain and observe safe sex. This is because most of the dickheads I see are Mara's referrals, hence, no real need to bother with the details. But when the dickhead's my own, I sit down with him and lay down the rules.
Last week, I met with Rodney at his hotel. I met him on the net. He was a sweet Texan guy living with a Filipina. One new thing that I came up with was the time he expected me to leave. He actually invited me to stay the night but since I had work the following day, that was not possible. This was something I'd discovered: that dickheads who don't expect me to stay over would say things like: It was good of you to drop by, blah. And all that stuff. I feel extremely uncomfortable with this, like I was being shooed away. It destroys it for me, the scene. It wasn't supposed to end that way. The partner was supposed to leave on her own. She wasn't supposed to be told to go, in whatever manner and however couched in diplomatic terms.
So now, one of my rules is that the departure time should be agreed upon. Should the dickhead wish to extend that time, he should ask me to stay longer and another departure time should be set. In other words, the option should stay with me. I should, however, be sensitive to the dickhead, as to whether he wants to terminate the session earlier than the set time.
Rodney and I agreed on a set time. I even set my fone alarm. However, I had to leave before that as Rodney suddenly felt so tired and worn out by the fucking. He obviously planned on going right to sleep with me in his hotel room and didn't contemplate the possibility that I wouldn't be staying till morning. He just sat on the chair and kept yawning and apologizing. That was a bit of a letdown.
So another rule: should I be meeting with a dickhead in his hotel room, I should clarify whether or not he wants me to stay over, and discuss the entire thing with him. That should do the trick.
The Scene; Characterization
First off, it should be made clear that I'm into this because of myself. It's all about me. Thus, I don't want to hear about any other lover, I don't want to be compared with somebody else, even if it's Mara -- especially if it's Mara.
This willing suspension of disbelief is of the fact that the dickhead I'm with is into it not because of me as a person, but me as tits and pussy. In other words, a sex object. I willingly suspend this knowledge. This is my scene. I am the hero here. Or maybe not the hero, but the center of the universe. The dickhead exists because of me, for my pleasure. That's why it's significant that I'm into Domination and submission since, in the politics of D/s, the Dom exists to please the sub.
In plain vanilla, the dickhead assumes the character of a lover. There is love; there is intimacy; there is a connection that goes beyond genitalia. I pretend that I am in an LTR and I have been wooed and wined and dined by a man who thinks I'm the most special of women, blah. The usual romantic stuff that dreams are made of. I pretend that the dickhead thinks I'm his special someone. So it's such a big deal when Peter puts his arms around me while we're resting, preparing for round two. But there's always the awkward moment when the dickhead lets go of his character and slips back into his own.
The last time I was with Peter, this was so painfully apparent. I had gone into the bath after he had left it. When I re-entered the motel room, he was already dressed and putting on his socks. He gave me a small smile and apologized -- for being dressed already, muttering something about not wanting to get cold. It was really uncomfortable. So -- okay, he wanted to end it already. That wasn't a problem with me. All he had to do was -- get dressed. Why it had to be so awkward, I can't understand.
The problem is communication. I suppose the next time I'm with a dickhead, I'll jsut have to clear things up: what time we leave, the order of things to be done, all that stuff. It has to be programmed so as not to be destroyed. The script has to be prepared. It is, after all, a scene.
I have no awkward moments with Alex, surprisingly. The question is, does he ever get into character? Does he ever leave his own? He is always in the character of a dickhead who reminds me at every opportunity of Rule Number One and Rule Number Two above. With Alex, it's pure vanilla with a bit of Domination thrown in, like when he persuaded me to let him fuck me in the ass. There's some spanking and hair-pulling, but it's plain vanilla, casual sex. I don't think he suspends any disbelief. He wants to fuck me when we're together but doesn't want to receive anything else from me, except when he wants to be amused, I suppose, and then he chats with me online.
Next: To be continued; the Alex experience; what I really find insulting: a dickhead's fear of my becoming emotionally attached to him and clingy.
Dickhead This is a guy whose interest in me is primarily sexual. I say primarily because it can't be purely sexual. There has to be chemistry. Most of these men are interested in striking up a friendship with me as well. The sexual "arrangement" is different from the friendship that may be initiated.
Arrangement I'm constrained to use this word to refer to the relationship between myself and a dickhead considering the connotation of the term, relationship. Most dickheads I've met emphasize the fact that they are not looking for a long-term relationship (LTR); hence, the avoidance of the word, relationship. This includes the implied agreement against meeting regularly. Thus, should the parties desire to meet regularly, this should be expressly agreed upon. The presumption, therefore, is that the "arrangement" is open -- as to commitment/exclusivity, as to schedule. So, Alex's and Peter's policy of having their partners call them up for a meeting, or session, becomes clear now. These dickheads avoid giving the impression that they are more than casually interested in their partners.
Casual This should be read vis-a-vis LTR. A casual arrangement does not involve any pre-arranged series of sessions. The rule is against pre-arrangement. There is no such thing as "every Tuesday" or "once a month." Unless, of course, this has been agreed upon. I haven't encountered this at all. Mara has not told me whether she has this arrangement with her dickheads but, given her schedule, I don't think she does. Alex has a loose schedule of seeing a partner once a month or so, depending on his schedule. Peter has sent me email that he wouldn't be seeing me in the next few weeks as his work schedule wouldn't allow it. (This, in response to my offer to be his sub and for me to be bound and gagged by him.)
Activity partner I use this term to refer to myself and to a dickhead. But not all dickheads are activity partners. I guess an activity partner is someone who's more or less a regular dickhead. Moreover, he's someone a cut above the rest, that special dickhead who I'd prefer above everyone else. But he's no LTR, that's for sure. Partner, therefore, would connote someone I get along well with. The issue of compatibility plays a major role here. Mara has her Frenchie, Renaud. Alex did refer to him as Mara's "evolving relationship." A thorny issue from my point of view. Mara has informed me that Renaud has intimated to her that he no longer wanted to see any more of her friends for reasons unknown. This has got me to thinking that, perhaps, Renaud is also wary of my being a single unattached woman. (Yes, I have been with the guy.) My fault, really, as I was teasing him, getting him to think that I was "loyal" to him, not seeing anyone else, blah. This was early on in my slut-discovery and didn't know any better. Like I said, things to learn, things to unlearn.
The Scene This includes the scenario agreed upon or the set of (pretended) circumstances within which the sexual act is carried out, if it's play-rape or just plain vanilla or a combination of both or whatever evolves, which, of course means that there is characterization involved. Even if it's just plain vanilla, there still is characterization. In the latter case, the more accurate term would be "willing suspension of disbelief." The underlying supposition is that there is something more than sex between the parties. At the very least, there is regard and respect for each other. That is why I never get to be treated as someone who's been paid for her services like a prostitute. The arrangement to have sex is consensual and not commercial. (It is in respect, I think, that the awkwardness in the transition scene to the ending is rooted.)
...and Conditions
Rule number one: This is NOT a long-term relationship.
Rule number two: DON'T EVER FORGET that this is NOT a long-term relationship.
These are the two basic conditions. The other rules are: consensuality of the arrangement, trust in the other, respect for each other. The coverage is broad. It's really up to the parties to work out the details. In my case, most of the details are unstated, except for the very basic like I emphasize that I'm not into pain and observe safe sex. This is because most of the dickheads I see are Mara's referrals, hence, no real need to bother with the details. But when the dickhead's my own, I sit down with him and lay down the rules.
Last week, I met with Rodney at his hotel. I met him on the net. He was a sweet Texan guy living with a Filipina. One new thing that I came up with was the time he expected me to leave. He actually invited me to stay the night but since I had work the following day, that was not possible. This was something I'd discovered: that dickheads who don't expect me to stay over would say things like: It was good of you to drop by, blah. And all that stuff. I feel extremely uncomfortable with this, like I was being shooed away. It destroys it for me, the scene. It wasn't supposed to end that way. The partner was supposed to leave on her own. She wasn't supposed to be told to go, in whatever manner and however couched in diplomatic terms.
So now, one of my rules is that the departure time should be agreed upon. Should the dickhead wish to extend that time, he should ask me to stay longer and another departure time should be set. In other words, the option should stay with me. I should, however, be sensitive to the dickhead, as to whether he wants to terminate the session earlier than the set time.
Rodney and I agreed on a set time. I even set my fone alarm. However, I had to leave before that as Rodney suddenly felt so tired and worn out by the fucking. He obviously planned on going right to sleep with me in his hotel room and didn't contemplate the possibility that I wouldn't be staying till morning. He just sat on the chair and kept yawning and apologizing. That was a bit of a letdown.
So another rule: should I be meeting with a dickhead in his hotel room, I should clarify whether or not he wants me to stay over, and discuss the entire thing with him. That should do the trick.
The Scene; Characterization
First off, it should be made clear that I'm into this because of myself. It's all about me. Thus, I don't want to hear about any other lover, I don't want to be compared with somebody else, even if it's Mara -- especially if it's Mara.
This willing suspension of disbelief is of the fact that the dickhead I'm with is into it not because of me as a person, but me as tits and pussy. In other words, a sex object. I willingly suspend this knowledge. This is my scene. I am the hero here. Or maybe not the hero, but the center of the universe. The dickhead exists because of me, for my pleasure. That's why it's significant that I'm into Domination and submission since, in the politics of D/s, the Dom exists to please the sub.
In plain vanilla, the dickhead assumes the character of a lover. There is love; there is intimacy; there is a connection that goes beyond genitalia. I pretend that I am in an LTR and I have been wooed and wined and dined by a man who thinks I'm the most special of women, blah. The usual romantic stuff that dreams are made of. I pretend that the dickhead thinks I'm his special someone. So it's such a big deal when Peter puts his arms around me while we're resting, preparing for round two. But there's always the awkward moment when the dickhead lets go of his character and slips back into his own.
The last time I was with Peter, this was so painfully apparent. I had gone into the bath after he had left it. When I re-entered the motel room, he was already dressed and putting on his socks. He gave me a small smile and apologized -- for being dressed already, muttering something about not wanting to get cold. It was really uncomfortable. So -- okay, he wanted to end it already. That wasn't a problem with me. All he had to do was -- get dressed. Why it had to be so awkward, I can't understand.
The problem is communication. I suppose the next time I'm with a dickhead, I'll jsut have to clear things up: what time we leave, the order of things to be done, all that stuff. It has to be programmed so as not to be destroyed. The script has to be prepared. It is, after all, a scene.
I have no awkward moments with Alex, surprisingly. The question is, does he ever get into character? Does he ever leave his own? He is always in the character of a dickhead who reminds me at every opportunity of Rule Number One and Rule Number Two above. With Alex, it's pure vanilla with a bit of Domination thrown in, like when he persuaded me to let him fuck me in the ass. There's some spanking and hair-pulling, but it's plain vanilla, casual sex. I don't think he suspends any disbelief. He wants to fuck me when we're together but doesn't want to receive anything else from me, except when he wants to be amused, I suppose, and then he chats with me online.
Next: To be continued; the Alex experience; what I really find insulting: a dickhead's fear of my becoming emotionally attached to him and clingy.
